"Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all,
I'm only sleeping..."
~John Lennon
My subconscious reminds me, in the middle of the night, that I long for personal contact. I miss romanticism and all it has to offer. I miss the friendly touch of an interested hand. I miss the delightful conversation of intrigue. I miss a lot. Somehow, lately, my subconscious has been providing me with all the things I'm missing. Three consecutive dreams involved men (of no importance; men I've never seen before) yearning for my attention. Nothing too dramatic; just the normalcy and fluttery of the honeymoon stage. In the days following, I've desired to return to my dreams, if only for a moment, to experience the sensation felt during the trip: Dreamland. An abstract world, where there are men longing for the same things I am; only to visit me in the privacy of my dreams, where I wish the whole world could see. I wonder if my dream man will find me, or if I must continue searching behind the lids of my eyes, beneath the slumber of the night, without clue nor control, just like in life.
Sweet dreams.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, December 15, 2008
What Inspiration
Ahem...In my miraculous effort to find some inspiration, I have a burst of creative juice for the first time in months, and below is the result...unfuckingbelievable.
I'm feeling vey gascious tonight
As though I will explode
I've been eating everything in site these days
...That may have been a toad
It's no wonder I feel this way too lately
I should daily walk down the road
Tonight I think I'll stay home
Speaking my own stinking code
To not expose the world
To the effects of the toad
I'm feeling vey gascious tonight
As though I will explode
I've been eating everything in site these days
...That may have been a toad
It's no wonder I feel this way too lately
I should daily walk down the road
Tonight I think I'll stay home
Speaking my own stinking code
To not expose the world
To the effects of the toad
Monday, April 14, 2008
Confirmation
Immediately after I posted that poem, I went for a walk in the woods...inspired by my own words, I guess...anyway, I always take my camera, and I'm glad I did:
I call this 'confirmation.'Naturalistic
The earth
speaks
yells
cries
through
clouds
stars
rain
drought
famine
life
discovery
wonder
I heard them scream
the regal trees
were leveled
ceasing
to reach the sky
Survival
of the fittest
without a chance
I watched others flee
in fear
of leveling themselves
I felt the heartbreak
of the earth
because I felt it too
Supurfluous development
in my little nook
Earth has sent warnings
They keep
getting louder
more invasive
more tragic
A devastating irony
at the gates
to new suburbia
The Preserve
insensitive
audacious
How dare you?
How dare we??
Earth's natural forces
some call it fate
went to work
The effects tragic
the message heard
but only by me
The one that no one hears
The one invisible to the world
Silently, I worship
There are others like me
Fighting for Earth
In a war with ourselves
Against an infallible force
No one will learn.
All will perish.
Mother Earth will reign immortal.
speaks
yells
cries
through
clouds
stars
rain
drought
famine
life
discovery
wonder
I heard them scream
the regal trees
were leveled
ceasing
to reach the sky
Survival
of the fittest
without a chance
I watched others flee
in fear
of leveling themselves
I felt the heartbreak
of the earth
because I felt it too
Supurfluous development
in my little nook
Earth has sent warnings
They keep
getting louder
more invasive
more tragic
A devastating irony
at the gates
to new suburbia
The Preserve
insensitive
audacious
How dare you?
How dare we??
Earth's natural forces
some call it fate
went to work
The effects tragic
the message heard
but only by me
The one that no one hears
The one invisible to the world
Silently, I worship
There are others like me
Fighting for Earth
In a war with ourselves
Against an infallible force
No one will learn.
All will perish.
Mother Earth will reign immortal.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I'm the Victim
Sitting here, Janet Jackson bringing memories of that trip so long ago...that solo trip...that liberating, amazing trip that I took entirely for granted, for a love waiting at home. Now, he's not waiting. I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon, counting the minutes before I have to de-fog, raise from my couch, and enter the world. Ugh. I'd rather maintain my fog. Slowly. Falling deeper into a creative haven, where I control everything. I don't control anything out there. It's all up to something else. It doesn't matter "what" else, it just matters that it's not up to me. There are minor things I can take under my wing, control for the time being, but ultimately, I am a simple pion in this world of chance, this world of fate, this world consumed and smothered by faith and living a righteous life, this world that continues to go on, with or without me. We're all just along for the ride, I think. I don't know if there's something better beyond this, but I do think there is something else. But, like that trip I took so long ago, I don't want to take my life for granted for what I think might be waiting for me out there...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Familiar Song...
Heard for the first time...
Pig
Dave Matthews Band
Album: Before These Crowded Streets
Isn't it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It's you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright
There's much more than we see here
Don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day
Don't burn the day away
Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig,
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Oh, just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope back in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Oh, so don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away
Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying, open up and let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
Oh, that the best is yet to come
But oh, while you're dancing on the ground,
Don't think of, oh, when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, dry your eyes, let the love in there,
There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in there
hAnd don't burn the day away
Look, here are we,
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say, I feel as small as dust lying down here
Oh, what point could there be traveling
Head down, wondering, "what will become of me?"
Why concern? We cannot see but no reason to abandon it
The time is short, time, that's all right
Maybe I'll go out in the middle of the night,
And take your hand, look in your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end sometime
Oh, but don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away
Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying open up and let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But, oh, while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
The bad times, well that's okay,
Let's just look for love in here, yeah
Just let the love in there,
Oh love, light up
I've heard this song a hundred thousand times before, but finally listened to it last week. Listen. Learn. Live. Love.
Enjoy.
Pig
Dave Matthews Band
Album: Before These Crowded Streets
Isn't it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It's you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright
There's much more than we see here
Don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day
Don't burn the day away
Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig,
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Oh, just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope back in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Oh, so don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away
Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying, open up and let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
Oh, that the best is yet to come
But oh, while you're dancing on the ground,
Don't think of, oh, when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, dry your eyes, let the love in there,
There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in there
hAnd don't burn the day away
Look, here are we,
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say, I feel as small as dust lying down here
Oh, what point could there be traveling
Head down, wondering, "what will become of me?"
Why concern? We cannot see but no reason to abandon it
The time is short, time, that's all right
Maybe I'll go out in the middle of the night,
And take your hand, look in your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end sometime
Oh, but don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away
Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying open up and let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But, oh, while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
The bad times, well that's okay,
Let's just look for love in here, yeah
Just let the love in there,
Oh love, light up
I've heard this song a hundred thousand times before, but finally listened to it last week. Listen. Learn. Live. Love.
Enjoy.
Friday, December 28, 2007
A Loss for Words
I don't even know what to say
To this person we all
Once knew
You're so different now
Unpredictable
and
Changed
Defensive
Unapproachable.
I wonder why you are silent
About your secret
To the ones who love you most
To the ones you'll disappoint the most
Perhaps we're unapproachable in your mind.
I'd rather be
Approached
than
Ignored
Yes I'm disappointed
But my feelings about your choices
Do not change the way
You choose
To live life.
My feelings do not overshadow the love I feel
For the sister I once knew so well
Somewhere you got lost, girl
Searching, through radical behavior
and misconstrued ideas,
for Unconditional love.
You have found the secret;
But another lies beneath
Your chosen path,
Off the ones beaten,
Which will challenge you with
Sacrifice
Loneliness
and
Fear
Long before your time
It pains me
That you could not
Take the pride
You preach
And tell your
Sister
of your quest
and your treasure.
It is not a trophy.
It is life.
To this person we all
Once knew
You're so different now
Unpredictable
and
Changed
Defensive
Unapproachable.
I wonder why you are silent
About your secret
To the ones who love you most
To the ones you'll disappoint the most
Perhaps we're unapproachable in your mind.
I'd rather be
Approached
than
Ignored
Yes I'm disappointed
But my feelings about your choices
Do not change the way
You choose
To live life.
My feelings do not overshadow the love I feel
For the sister I once knew so well
Somewhere you got lost, girl
Searching, through radical behavior
and misconstrued ideas,
for Unconditional love.
You have found the secret;
But another lies beneath
Your chosen path,
Off the ones beaten,
Which will challenge you with
Sacrifice
Loneliness
and
Fear
Long before your time
It pains me
That you could not
Take the pride
You preach
And tell your
Sister
of your quest
and your treasure.
It is not a trophy.
It is life.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Process. Part I. Bummed.
There's no other way to describe it...bummed...it's taking him. I was scared today. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do if he really needed me. He's so fragile. He's on the verge...and I'm so heartbroken. I know I need to take this opportunity to tell him all the things I feel, but I think that would take another lifetime. He and I are kindred spirits. I am proud to call him my grandfather and my friend. Losing him is losing a part of myself...a part of my heart...a piece of my soul. I will miss him dreadfully. He hasn't left me yet, but it is really difficult seeing him like this. He wears his bald head well...but it breaks my heart that I can't do anything. I'm helpless...sitting idle by his side, watching, waiting, fearing, screaming, holding on so fucking tight...to do nothing...but love him. And that's all I can do. Forever.
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